The Two of Us–Motherhood and Adoption
In honor of Mother’s Day I have an amazing story about motherhood from guest contributor, Deborah Brennan.
When we mutually abhorred the term, “Gotcha Day,” on an emotional LinkedIn adoption forum, I knew I’d found a kindred spirit.
Deborah recently told me that she purposefully puts herself in “uncomfortable territory as an adoptive parent,” attending conferences for adoptee and first mothers in order to learn and help her daughter.
Mother’s day is tough for many first moms. It’s sad–especially if you’re not in reunion. It’s emotional for some adoptees who aren’t in reunion–wondering about their first families. For those adoptees in reunion, Mother’s Day can be a delicate balancing act. With that in mind, I’m pleased to share an adoptive mom’s motherhood story.
Trust me, this piece is decidedly adoption-fog-free.
It celebrates motherhood, inclusively, and the adoptee experience. It’s a long one, and I don’t usually post on Sundays, but believe me, her story is totally worth it.
Oh yeah, and have a peaceful, love-filled Mother’s Day.
* * * * *
The tie that links mother and child is of such pure and immaculate strength as to be never violated.
– Washington Irvine
Becoming a mother is one of life’s most complex experiences.
It is also the most long lived–for once you have earned the title, it is yours forever. I have encountered this miracle three times–once by giving birth, once by miscarriage and once by adoption. Each began with the same hope, anticipation and fear.
Deborah Brennan
I wondered–what kind of mother would I be? How would I ever succeed in nurturing a baby to adulthood without one or both of us failing miserably? The answer to this universal question unfolds over a lifetime and is influenced by events, people and changing attitudes. Yes my forays into motherhood began similarly–yet have had such dissimilar characteristics. They have woven their emotional threads over the last sixteen years of my life, into a tapestry that is not yet finished, but has revealed truths I never dreamed of discovering. I am grateful for all of them, including the ones of loss. Sometimes the experience of unimaginable pain is the one that unearths the very best in us.
The adoptee story before the adoption
I was 38 when our son Daniel was born (after 34 hours of excruciating labor). My husband and I agreed that a sibling for him was essential, and the clock was ticking–loudly. When the chances of another pregnancy for me became remote, we focused our efforts on adoption–domestic adoption, and when CAS [Children's Aid Society, the public child welfare agency that oversees children in foster care in Canada] ignored my phone calls–more specifically, private adoption. We were also hoping for an open adoption. All that was presented to us by the professionals were obstacles–for which I had no time or patience.
Against my very conservative judgment and after a very proactive “campaign,” we were contacted by a potential birth mother through an ad that we had placed in a college newspaper. It was nothing short of extraordinary. I will never forget the first time we spoke. She was a young woman of sixteen–a girl really–facing a decision that came too soon in her life–a decision that no woman should ever have to make. I think before we even met–the mother in me, the one that had a five-year-old son– became a mother to Artrina, regardless of what the outcome would be, of her journey to motherhood. I felt empathy and compassion for her, as the next four and a half months led her more closely to this impossible decision.
During that time we saw each other several times and spoke on the phone. As her due date approached I went on the hospital tour with Artrina and made sure that her social worker was being attentive to her needs. Still, I did not assume that she would place her baby with our family. Somehow I managed to remain detached from the life growing inside of her. After all, this life was hers to love and nurture. I almost felt like an intrusion, and unnatural interference in her experience. Those feelings intensified on the day that Artrina gave birth to her tiny perfect baby girl, September 14th, 1999.
I was so privileged to be present to witness this miracle.
It was surreal to watch the event that could give Daniel a sibling and change our lives forever, but from a totally different perspective. I was beyond happy–ecstatic would be the right adjective, but again–in the midst of Artrina’s family members, I felt I did not belong. I was a spectator, a stranger, about to take one of their family members away. They were kind and gracious, but they had the right to feel the opposite.
The emotion that day was only surpassed by the night–(three days after Diana’s birth) that we brought Artrina’s baby girl home. In the hospital I asked for privacy, and Dave and I had a few minutes alone with Artrina. I cannot adequately describe those moments of watching this young mother holding her child. It was heartbreaking. I told her that if she needed more time that she had it. Diana could be in foster care instead of coming home with us. At this point, my thoughts were with our son as well. I needed to protect his readiness to welcome a new sister home.
Artrina told me that she was sure she wanted us to take her baby home. I replied, “How can you be so sure?”
And as the three of us sat holding the fate of this beautiful life in our hands and heart–so filled with emotion–she answered, “Because I know I will see her again.”
We stood; we embraced and wept as Artrina handed her baby to me.
She walked out of the room with her mom on one side and social worker on the other and did not look back. At that very moment my internal pledge to Artrina was cast. I would be the best mother I could possibly be to her daughter, and I would honor our commitment to openness. It was September 17th, 1999, which would have been my mother’s eightieth birthday, had she lived to be a grandma to this little girl. It was an overwhelming moment of profound joy and sadness.
We walked out of the hospital room feeling as though we were kidnapping this baby. What a contrast it was to the homecoming of our son. I certainly did not look as though I had recently given birth. The feelings persisted as we drove home in the same van in which Daniel had come home. Our little guy met us at the door, overjoyed to welcome his baby sister. I kept thinking about Artrina and what she must be feeling–unbearable pain, loss, grief. That night I slept with Diana nestled on my chest. My heart was bursting with happiness for our family, but at the same time breaking for Artrina.
The perils of open adoption
She was in my thoughts every day as I cared for Diana. She was with me as I fed, bathed, changed, cuddled and kissed her. When Diana was five months old, we held an entrustment ceremony, where we more formally expressed our commitment as a family to Diana and to our promise of openness. The wounds were opened again–a heart-wrenching example of the reality of a birthmother’s pain.
Those first moments, days and months with Diana was the beginning of my internal dialogue that questioned my place as her mother. Perhaps it was because I had given birth to Daniel that this weighed so heavily on my mind. Who was Diana’s mommy?
We didn’t see Artrina too much in the first three years and when we did, I could see her pain, a hesitation to be physically close to Diana, in fact a kind of indifference in her interaction with her. Artrina moved away for a few years, making it more difficult to connect and I became frustrated and somewhat angry–my thought was that she really didn’t care much and that she was reneging on her openness commitment. In fact it was the total opposite. Once I got over myself and realized that I was the one who needed to “get it,” I finally understood that Artrina was protecting herself from the agony of being separated from her child over and over again, because that’s what it felt like every time she saw her. It was a constant reminder (as if she needed one) of her decision.
Who is the mommy here?
As life moved forward, and Diana got older (and we all got older) it very slowly became more comfortable to spend time together. Artrina became a mother again to a son and this time she is experiencing the things that she did not with Diana. Diana has another brother now and he is a part of our family, too. It is a joy to see them all together, and satisfying to realize where we have come in our journey in eleven years. Many on the outside looking in will never understand our relationship–we two mothers and Diana. They question what roles we all play – who is Diana’s mother?
Is she: The one that gave her life and carried her, gave birth to her, and then made the agonizing choice to have others parent her?
Or the one that embraced her cared for her and fell in love with her without hesitation?
Is she: The one that cried for her in solitude, and kept her in her heart every single day, trying to move forward in her life–never forgetting her precious baby?
Or the one that read to her kissed her boo-boos and received all the compliments about her–all the while feeling unworthy to accept them?
Is she: The one that loves her from afar, that tries to say and do “the right thing”–and still–still has to say goodbye every time she leaves her–again….. ?
Or the one that gets to experience the everyday joys and frustrations of mothering an incredible girl – that gets to be a part of the stages of life for a girl that requires so much of a mother’s attention.
Is she: The one who is now a young woman, a mother again, the one who will no doubt have many more years of being a mother than I?
Diana and her two moms
The answer of course—-is that WE are Diana’s mothers. I truly feel it is impossible to be one fully–without the other.
I see myself as the “Mother in a leading role,” but always relying on the “supportive role of Artrina.” She can provide the pieces I never can. The health of their relationship is paramount to me personally. It comforts me to believe and hope that they will always be there for one another.
So…..this multi-dimensional “being a mother” experience–it continues every day for me. I think it is surely the most profound human relationship of any that we will experience.
In adoption, as mothers–there are always two of us–no matter what–present or absent–together or apart– and we must never deny that to ourselves–or our children ……..
Indeed…..
“The tie that links Mother and Child is of such pure and immaculate strength as to NEVER be violated.”
* * * * *
Deborah Brennan is the Vice-President of Adoption Council of Canada–Ontario, an adoptive parent, and the author of the book Labours of Love – Canadians Talk about Adoption. She is the owner of Labours of Love Designs, an online greeting card and gift store that caters to people and families who have been touched by adoption.
Deborah’s passion is raising awareness about adoption, and promoting education and dialogue that will help to dispel stigma and misinformation.
Deborah is also interested in engaging all the provinces and territories in working together more closely in their mutual goals for children in care, who are eligible for adoption.
Deborah lives in Oakville, Ontario with her family. Connect with her at deb@adoption.ca.
“Sleeping Newborn Baby” by Sura Nualpradid and “Mother Massaging Little Baby’s Foot” by Praisaeng, both from freedigitalphotosnet. Headshot of Deborah, family photo and book cover courtesy of Deborah Brennan.
Entrustment ceremony? And who was that to help? Right up there with a gotcha day to me.
I really don't see what you see, Laura. I see an entitled woman who let her fertility pass her by yet demanded a sibling for her son. So she set off on a campaign to take a child from her mother. She coerced said mother by forming a relationship while the poor girl was pregnant and interjected herself at the hospital. Today the babies natural mother has to fight to say just the right things in her supporting role to the freaking leading lady. The whole post was a huge downer on this Mother's Day to this first mother. I would keep your vow of not posting on Sundays in the future.
Barbara,
Thanks for sharing your honest opinion, I do appreciate it, and I'm sorry for your loss. For me, the Entrustment ceremony was one that seemed to remind everyone that a child is not owned, a child is only entrusted to his or her parents for a short time, then we unleash them on the world. I thought it was a great reminder that we are entrusted with a child: as in "to entrust: to put (something or someone) into someone's care or protection."
The thing is, I wanted to publish this not only for first mothers and adoptees, but as a reminder to adoptive parents. Deborah does recognize the awful position of first mothers, their pain and grief. But you're right, from a policy standpoint it is important to let expectant mothers choose the future of their child–independent of potential adoptive parents. I agree. And I also think that the focus must be on the adoptee at this point–as in, the adoption has taken place. Now, how can we help adoptees feel whole? Acknowledge their biology and their biography? Their first families and their adoptive families.
I hope that you're doing okay, and I'm sorry this post was such a downer,
Laura
Laura I think you are a lovely woman really trying to expose the fog of adoption. And I believe you have been had by a sweet talking woman who can place Lilys around manure.
"My husband and I agreed that a sibling for him was essential, and the clock was ticking–loudly"
*********Red flag number one. This is about an entitled mother who wants an accessory to her family – a sibling for her son. This is not about what is best for the child.
"Against my very conservative judgment and after a very proactive “campaign,” we were contacted by a potential birth mother through an ad that we had placed in a college newspaper."
**********Red flag number two. This is a predator that will do anything to get what she wants, a sibling for her son.
"During that time we saw each other several times and spoke on the phone. As her due date approached I went on the hospital tour with Artrina and made sure that her social worker was being attentive to her needs."
**********Red flag number three. The "potential birth mother" (authors term) was being groomed that this child was going to be raised by Deborah. If you are a potential birth mother you are taught your place by the older, wiser, richer, mother. clearly she was coerced.
"I was so privileged to be present to witness this miracle."
**********Red flag number four. Deborah was in the delivery room for the birth. Horrid coercion.
"I told her that if she needed more time that she had it. Diana could be in foster care instead of coming home with us."
**********Red flag number five. It was never suggested that the MOTHER take home her daughter – no – just that she plop her in foster care. What kind of option is that for a loving mother?
"We walked out of the hospital room feeling as though we were kidnapping this baby."
**********Deborah said it, not me.
"Is she: The one that loves her from afar, that tries to say and do “the right thing”–and still–still has to say goodbye every time she leaves her–again….. ?"
**********Red flag number six. So Artrina has to walk on eggshells like most original mothers in open adoption situations so the adoption doesn't close.
"I see myself as the “Mother in a leading role,” but always relying on the “supportive role of Artrina.” She can provide the pieces I never can."
**********Red flag number seven. Artrina is a rung down on the totem pole.
Deborah Brennan is the Vice-President of Adoption Council of Canada–Ontario, an adoptive parent, and the author of the book Labours of Love – Canadians Talk about Adoption. She is the owner of Labours of Love Designs, an online greeting card and gift store that caters to people and families who have been touched by adoption.
**********Red flag number eight. I didn't read this until today (that she makes money off of adoption). This did not affect my visceral reaction to the gold wrapped claptrap set forth. Glad to know my radar is in tact.
Hi Barbara,
Thanks for taking the time to get all this down. I know it takes a lot of time and consideration, and I do appreciate it. Yes. I saw a lot of those "red flags" too, although some I didn't view as such. I'm actually going to spend a lot of time addressing many of these areas on my blog today (Wednesday) … so I hope you'll read some of my further thoughts, so we can continue this conversation. I'll look forward to *your* additional in tact radar
Laura
I see a selfish woman wanting a sibling for her son and took a baby from a young women who would have been a GREAT mom if she had the support and self esteem. For instance, I have a friend who had her son at the age of 16. What did she do? She raised her son as a single parent, she went to school, she became a nurse practitioner and opened up teen health clinics. I had my son at 18 and raised an intelligent, loving, compassionate human being who I had the wonderful gift of witnessing his life. What did society want me to do? Give him up for adoption. NO WAY! NO WAY! NOOOO WAAAAY!!!! He gave me life as soon as he was born. Come on people, WAKE UP!!!!!!!!!! Don't assume just because they are a young mother you have the right to take away their GOD-GIVEN CHILD! Ask Mother Mary, I am sure she would have agreed!
Jenette,
Yes, I agree with you that family preservation–when you have a competent parent or family member who wants to raise the child–is the best way to go. I commend you for raising your son. That said, I do think that there will be children who are relinquished for adoption, and it's important to listen to the experiences of adoptive mothers, along with that of first families and adoptees. We can learn from articles such as those from Deborah, who does acknowledge the feeling of grief and loss of first mothers. We can learn how important openness is for the adoptee to know where she came from, and to feel whole. It provides an example for how one adoptive mom is navigating the open adoption–from her own perspective.
Thanks for reading and commenting,
Laura
Yes, society needs to listen to natural MOTHERS and ADOPTEES, which I am an adoptee, so you can listen to me. I know that society and religion puts shames onto mothers who are young. This is NOT justice for the mother or child. The adopter mother went against her instinct (knowing that intuitively she was taking away her child from the young mother). Adoption starts with pain. Young mothers need to be told YES YOU CAN DO IT!!! And we will help guide, support and be nonjudgmental (something Christians know nothing about) about your situation. We can avoid this multi-billion dollar business by encouraging young mothers to care for their children and offer whatever she needs, such as counseling, support groups, self esteem, job training etc., instead of catering to the older infertile parents because they have money. Adoption is not needed, people created it for selfish reasons. How can ANYONE take away someone else's child right in front of her? It's inhumane. This young girl could have raised her child, she was not abusive, there was no sin against her. The adopters used the young woman's age as an excuse to take away her blood born child away. SHAME!!!!!!!!!!!!11
Jenette,
I completely agree with you: YES you're the adoptee, you MUST be listened to, and yes:
"I know that society and religion puts shames onto mothers who are young. This is NOT justice for the mother or child."
That's so correct; it's not a matter of reproductive justice for those mothers who do want to keep their child.
Thanks for commenting,
Laura
It's like, I took your baby, but I feel soooo bad about it! I'm the good guy here, can't you see, I did nothing wrong. I get it, I'm on your side, now gimme the baby!
Marylee,
Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
All the best,
Laura
I read this through the eyes of an adoptee, and I saw a woman I wish my adoptive mother would have been like, an adoptive mother who to this day insists that adoption has no effect on a child and, after I gave her "The Primal Wound' to read, returned it to me and dismissively said, "Well. It was a nice story". We haven't spoken for 15 years now.
And yet. And yet. The adopted baby in me was crying, "No! No, don't give me away!", especially during the hospital scene. I simply cannot fathom family members who visit the baby, knowing she's being given away, and are just . . . fine with letting her go. "No! No, don't give me away!"
Also found it a little disturbing that the author, on the day they brought Diana home, goes on and on about Artrina's pain without saying a single word about the pain a baby who has just lost her mother, her smell, her heartbeat, must feel.
zygotepariah
Yes, I read this in a similar way, as in, I do love my adoptive mom, but I wish there would have been more education "back then" about what adoption can do to a child. It was simply, love them as if they're your own, along with the blank slate theory.
I agree–I did appreciate how much Deborah felt for the Artrina, but you're right, what was lacking was an acknowledgement of Diana's loss. Which is real, if preverbal.
Thanks so much for bring in an adoptee perspective to the comments, I appreciate your words and thoughts so much!
Laura
The sad thing is, there was more education back then. Florence Clothier's “The Psychology of the Adopted Child” was published in 1943, for example. It just seems there was a lot of willful blindness.
That aside, it's one thing to perhaps not be aware of adoption issues; it's another to be presented with evidence, like literature and studies, and still deny its existence.
I've often wondered why some a-parents continue to deny, while others, like Nancy Verrier, go on to write books. I suspect it might have to do with unresolved infertility issues perhaps. My a-mother never got over not having her "own" child (a lovely little tidbit that was blurted out during an argument when I was 17).
P.S. The a-mother in this article lives about 12 miles away from me. Small world.
Yes! Small world. … you know, I've spent the last several days thinking about yours and other comments, and today on my blog I'll be writing my response. I hope you'll continue to join in in the comments.
I'm so sorry about your a-mmother–yes, unresolved infertility issues can play a BIG part in how adoptive parents care for their adoptees.
She felt like a kidnapper walking out of the hospital but kept walking anyway.Of course ! It was her baby..she paid for it…she was better ..she was entitled ! Now she rainbow farts, it's how she makes money.
I can see your perspective, keniamariana, but I didn't so much get the feeling of entitlement, rather mere self awareness that there *was* and *is* something strange about walking out of the hospital with a baby that you've just adopted. I think this is a step in the right direction, and I'm not saying the article is perfect, but if we are to help adopted children still growing up, it's important–in my view–to engage with adoptive parents.
Great piece.
As someone who is researching adoption with my wife, I found this piece to be very helpful. It thought me a lot about things that need to be balanced for the benefit for all parties involved. I wish more adoptive parents were like this and there were fewer open adoptions that ended up closing.
Thank you Laura, I appreciate your balanced fair approach to adoption that people can learn from.
Greg,
Thanks so much for your support. I AM hoping that hearing from adoptive parents who are trying to navigate open adoption — can provide valuable insight for prospective adoptive parents. I hope you'll keep reading …
Warmly,
Laura
Thank you Laura for being a great resource.
I have been able to learn more about adoption by reading the experiences and perspective of adoptees and birth/first mothers than adoptive parents. I've found there to be very few adoptive parents that are honest about what adoption is. Most will talk about the happy experiences rather than the reality and difficulties that come with adoption. There are some of them but not many. Having resources that provide balanced insight are important in our research.
Right now my wife and I are still researching adoption as we grieve our infertility. We will not pursue adoption until we are positive it is something we want to and are mentally and emotionally able to pursue. If then we are blessed with the privlege of becoming some child's parents we hope that we will be as good a set of parents as possible while at the same time respecting the needs and feelings of the birth/first families that entrusted us to parent the child.
Greg,
I'm truly sorry for the infertility grief that you and your wife are currently experiencing. It IS a loss that must be processed in its own time. I agree, many APs are between a rock and hard place. If they complain, then THEY seem ungratful, if they voice concerns that their adoptee is not developing properly or has post-adoption issues, they run the risk of being blamed themselves–from both camps: pro-adoption advocates will say they're not loving them enough, anti-adoption advocates will say, "well what did you expect?"
I hope you'll keep reading and stay in touch with the process you and your wife are going through.
All the very best,
Laura
Hello Everyone,
Thank you for your comments and in some cases venom. I am going to ask our daughters mother, Artrina to weigh in on this, so that you can hear her perspective, the story in HER words. Then those of you who feel she was coerced into the decision to place her baby with us, can decide one way or another, and if you decide to condemn her too.
I wrote this piece four years ago when Diana was 11, and it was specifically written to help others understand what I felt like as having a biological child, and then adopting. Please don't blame my son for desperately wanting a sibling…he did, and told us every day about it. We could not give him one…we tried very hard…we conceived…I had a brutal miscarriage and almost lost my life.I won't apologize for thinking about adoption as an option to growing our family.In was 44 when we adopted Diana…we were told by agencies that we were too old….blah, blah, blah…so yes, I took it upon myself to try to get the process to move in a system that here in Canada anyway, does NOT make it easy to adopt…in ANY way.
In a perfect world adoption would not exist. Every child born would be loved, nurtured and WANTED by their mothers, dads, extended family etc.So tell me how realistic that is.
In Canada there are about 80,000 children in foster care, 30,000 of them available for adoption. In the U.S., the numbers are about 500,000 in care, 150,000 available for adoption. Why the hell is that?????
There are circumstances that do not allow for any other option than adoption……….period. Like it or hate it.If I had not been able to be part of an open adoption, for Dianas and her Mom's benefit, we would not have adopted. I am not a predator…I am a mom who loves her kids, and one that hoped that Artrina and her daughter would feel less pain, if they could have a relationship.It is their relationship, not mine.
Some of the names you have called me are ridiculous…I'm now 58, and work very hard ( no salary) in a non profit organization that strives to educate, support and work with all members of the adoption triad…we advocate for children for the most part. and their needs.Check it out if you care to dig deeper http://www.adoption.ca Artina WANTED me around by the way, because her own mother and family gave her no support whatsoever in her decision making….what was I supposed to do? Leave her by herself? Anyway….it is her story to share next…stay tuned.
For what it's worth, I feel like you (and Laura) have been unfairly vilified. Some of these comments have been hurtful. However, I'm an adoptee, not a first mother. I know forced adoptions happen (I was one). But what I see here was an adoption that was going to happen no matter what, and as I've said, I wish my adoptive would have been as educated as you. She told me that my issues were because I wasn't "grateful enough".
I'd be very interested in hearing Artrina's perspective — not because I don't believe you, but because if adoption is going to happen, it behooves us all to listen to each other's stories to gain understanding and to learn how the process can possibly be improved. What things would you or Artrina have changed? What were you or Artrina happy with and have kept the same?
P.S. Greetings from Mississauga.
Laura, your article featuring Deborah's story and the responses have been fascinating. I commend you for being willing to host a dialog on your space. Just today, Claudia was saying WHY she continued to speak with "the enemy" in spite of some calling her a traitor for doing so.
Such dialog is really the only way we who occupy only one (or, in some cases, two) corner(s) of the adoption triad are able to try to understand each other. Thank you for making your space one of understanding.
Lori, I did see that comment from Claudia — I mean you have to have dealt with your own pain to a certain extent to be able to engage the "enemy"–it doesn't mean we stop saying "This is wrong! This is an injustice!" It means we have to reframe the way we use our words. In a genuine way, not in a condescending way. This is something that I really love to learn from you, because you are so genuinely good at it!
I am really surprised by how the commenters judged Deborah. Deborah's story could practically be my own. Everything she wrote and felt, I too have experienced, even though I am married to a birth family member. I too felt like I was doing something wrong by being a mother to my daughter. I felt acutely the pain of my daughter's birth mother. I too suffered miscarriages. I did not actively seek out a child to raise — this is where we are different but in my heart I wanted one. I have heard from some people that since I am an AP, that I have gone to the dark side, but being an adoptee first, I commend Deborah for her candidness, honesty and doing the hard work that it entails to keep an open adoption going. I especially liked the part where she states that she realized that when her daughter's birth mother couldn't be around, she realized that instead of meaning she didn't care, she realized it was just so painful. This realization was helpful to me because my daughter's birth mother has not been seen in 8 years (my daughter is 8). I too was a support to my daughter's birth mother when she was rejected by her own mother. I get it and I thank you your your story.
Lynn
EXACTLY LYNN. Amen.
And this is exactly why we have to refrain from judgment — it took some measure of trust for you to share the details of you adopting your daughter with me, and I so appreciate that. Even so, knowing the circumstances may *explain* things, but it doesn't make me look at you differently, or even "better" than someone who adopted a stranger. It just is. And I'm sad for your daugther, and for your daughter's birth mom. I hope that this situation changes for the better.
It's also why I felt comfortable sharing Deborah's story–because she was open and honest, and I knew that she was writing with an open heart and the best of intentions.
Truly, we'll never make any forward progress if we don't at least trust one another long enough to hear their story and refrain from judgment.
Thank you Lynn, for your comments and understanding, and again to you Laura for posting my piece. I didn't realize that it would draw such varied reaction, but it is not surprising.
We all come to these experiences with our own personal " makeup" as a result of how our parents raised us. I happen to come from a family where everything was shared, expressed and openly discussed….so this has carried on with me, much to the dismay of some in my life who were not used to that.It's fundamentally why I could not fathom adoption unless it was fully open. Lynn, you are right, it is work to maintain these relationships, as with any, but this is especially fraught with extraordinary characteristics.
For example…Diana's mom is the only one in her family who wants to see her, …which I find very sad. Her birthdad decided from day one that he wanted nothing to do with his child, and that has continued…makes me crazy.This of course is rejection for Diana…and as she is 13 now, I believe all of this plays a part with regards to her self esteem…not so great at the moment.
All we can do is love her and try to meet her emotional needs as best we can…she is the person in this that requires the lion's share of our empathy and attention….
Thank you to those of you who get that.
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