Dear Friend Who-is-going-through-some-metaphorical-fecal-matter
This is a letter for a friend who’s in pain, who’s experiencing an emotional/psychological/heart-breaking time.
It could also be called: Advice I wish I, myself, would listen to.
Dear Friend,
Please don’t be afraid of the emotions you’re having, or apologize to me (of all people) for feeling them.
You’re sitting there feeling angry that you’re angry; berating yourself for feeling sad. You’re thinking you need to forgive, forget or at least take some positive action. But now may not be the time. Now is the time to feel the emotions, so you don’t have to stay stuck in them.
Adding to this situation anxiety about being angry or sad only makes things worse.
So, please let it out. Bottling-up emotions plays out in the body: ulcers, high blood pressure, headaches, migraines, you name it. Psychosomatic issues are not to be messed with!
The anger you have has a purpose–to keep you from getting hurt again. To protect yourself and your emotional well-being.
The sadness has a purpose. Cry. Cry it out.
I’ll FedEx you some boxes of tissues, including the lotion kind for when your nose gets raw. It’s a release, it’s healthy. It takes emotional release to move through the pain … to not get stuck in the process. You have a HUGE hurt to process, and you’ve suppressed this anger and sadness for so long.
Perhaps this is what people mean when they say “you need to move on, to move forward.” Unfortunately, many equate “forgive and forget” with “moving on,” and insult-to-injury, they rush people through it.
But I think perhaps we could think of it as moving through. Moving through emotions to get to the other side means experiencing them; sitting with the feeling for some time. Explicitly not rushing.
Friend, I’m sorry we’re so far away. I’m sorry I can’t just show up at your house to help out when you get home from work/therapy/grieving/picking up your kids/all the hundred other things you have to do. I’m sorry I’m not close enough to help out with the children, bring over dinner, or run a load of laundry for you.
But I can listen, I can commiserate, and I can call the person at fault all sorts of names. I’m on your side 100%, but I’ll hold you accountable for your healing and for your actions.
I’ll remind you to give yourself a break, to take care of yourself. Baby steps. Self care. A manicure, a massage, a long bath.
You should be proud of yourself–you ARE doing the work. You ARE a beautiful person and you must remember that repeating negative words about yourself are not healthy, either. Being nice to yourself in your inner thoughts is part of nurturing yourself.
You’re an amazing, resilient person and I’m proud of you!
Love,
Laura
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“Red Heart And Envelope” by Master isolated images from freedigitalphotos.net
Amazing. Perfect. Wiping tears now, with my lotion-less kleenexes.
Thank you.
Love you
This comforting blog entry could not have reached me at a better time in my life. I am pulling out every tool in my toolbox to move forward thru what is going on in my life and your writings have brought me comfort and a reality check.
Basically I am where I am supposed to be in my life right about now and I will get through it. For me God plays an important role and this reminded me to keep the faith not just in myself but all those around me. Whether in person or my virtual friends.
Thank you so much
Celeste
Wow, Celeste! I'm so happy to hear that this reached you, and touched you … I hope that things get better for you! Keep me updated, please … Warmly, Laura
What an emotionally honest letter filled with compassion and loving kindness. She is so blessed to have you as her friend….and we to have access to your writings.
Thanks, Claire — Love love love your new blog! It's so great to see you over here!
Laura
After years of therapy and accepting responsibility for the messes (physical emotional ) and discovering my rage and learning to let it go (this took years and years) I reached the ripe age of 59 and discovered that all of this is adoption shit…none of which I/Me was the least bit responsible for. So now I need to go back and face my rage/grief and allow it to come forward again and now that I understand the why of it all I need to let it out. It is difficult because it is a lifetimes worth and I thought I was done;-(
Lesley, Ohhh that sucks, but you're exactly right. It sucks that you thought your processing was over, but NO! … This adoption stuff can really come back to bite adoptees–when they least expect it. I personally think it's quite amazing that I had an *entire mental breakdown* just 6 months after reuniting with my birth mom (not saying it's causal, but still–the time frame is there) … and NO ONE in therapy mentioned me having been adopted!!
It seems that we have to rely on our fellow adoptees, and the few first moms, select friends and those therapists to "get it."
Laura
True, all true! I have become fond of saying this year, "you have to go through it to get through it!…" Cry, cry cry, throw yourself on the ground, kick and scream…it does not fix anything, but it helps.
And, you go, Lesley…I agree…
TRUTH! Beautiful, compassionate truth.