A Truce in the Mommy Wars–Patricia Mann Interview, Part 2

In pondering the potential pitfalls in the pursuit of happiness apparently alliteration makes me happy, it’s important to recognize when enough is in fact enough … lest we fall prey to never being satisfied.

Many of the comments from my interview with Is This All There Is? author Patricia Mann* echoed these sentiments. In Happiness or Contentment?, we discussed whether settling for contentment is in fact “settling” at all.

Today Patricia and I are talking again, about family and career choices, wondering: Can we really “have it all”?

 

When stressful mommy life leads to self-destructive behaviors

Laura – How have readers responded to your main character, Beth? What are your thoughts on the pressures that society puts on women?

Patricia – As far as how readers have responded, I have been blown away by the messages I’ve gotten from readers.

The general response of complete understanding of why my main character, Beth, felt disappointed, lonely, and disillusioned with her life was incredibly affirming. I was so happy to hear that women felt less alone after reading the book and opened up more to friends because they realized maybe others shared their feelings. But the main point of the book is that when women reach this stage of depletion and disconnection from life and people, there’s a significant risk of self-destructive behavior. It could be drugs, alcohol, binge eating, and many other forms of escape. In Beth’s case, it was an extramarital affair, which is not only self-destructive, but also devastating for the entire family.

The response to this aspect of the book literally stunned me.

I braced myself for the judgment that I assumed would be coming my way, but it never did. It seems I was somewhat successful in creating a sympathetic character, who is relatively likable and relatable and yes, also gets sucked into doing something quite unethical. Many, many women have confessed to me that they have been unfaithful to their husbands. Others have admitted that they’ve wanted to. Still others have shared that though they were opposed to my main character Beth’s choices, they could still understand them and they empathized with her.

How can we move forward after “The Mommy Wars”?

Laura — I’m so gratified to hear people sympathetic to Beth. But sometimes it feels like many women do tend to judge others, openly or not. What in your opinion does society, or government, need to do to help women find ways to “have it all?” Is this even possible, or a myth? Do we have to settle for having everything, but not all at once?

Patricia — I’m a bit fearful of sharing my opinions on this because I usually veer away from politics, given my obsessive need to get along with everyone and avoid all conflict.

But here’s the truth and I hope even if people disagree, we can respect one another: I am disturbed by how many women are forced to work long hours for little pay and are barely making it. I am so saddened by situations where women are unable to spend much time with their kids because they have to focus on putting food (often unhealthy food, which is all a tight budget can manage) on the table. I don’t need anything more from my government, because I was blessed to have the means to get an education, meet and marry an educated partner, and work part-time if I chose to when my kids were young. But for the women who are not so lucky and are scraping by through no fault of their own, I am angered, because there are far too many, and there is far too little help. I think we’re all responsible for making sure women and children, and men for that matter, have what they need.

But for those of us who are able to meet our basic needs, those who have tough choices like whether to work full-time at that career we went to college forever for while someone else cares for our children the majority of their waking hours or whether to give it all up because there are no part-time opportunities, these are real and heartbreaking dilemmas.

I think one important step is to figure out what you really want in life.

I know women who were more than happy to give up their careers to raise their children, if it was financially feasible. I know other women who could have quit, but derive so much fulfillment from their work that they made peace with loving others being their kids’ primary caregivers. But I also know women who want both, who would like to be with their kids, but need something else in their life and can’t find a way to make that work. I was lucky to be able to work part-time, doing work I enjoyed, as my kids were growing up. I wish there were more opportunities for more women to do that.

One thing I think often gets left in the dust is the relationship between parents. That’s also one of the main themes in my book. Once a couple has or adopts kids, it’s incredibly difficult to stay connected, to find that crucial romantic time alone, and to meet each other’s physical and emotional needs while also meeting those of the children. So when I see people who have five or six kids, it really makes me wonder how they do it because my husband and I have had the hardest time staying connected as our lives revolve completely around our two kids.  I guess we’re all different.

So if “having it all” means marriage, kids, and a full time career, (not to mention strong family relationships, friendships, exercise, volunteer work, and all the other things we want to do and be in life) I would say no, in my experience, no, it’s not possible to have it all at once. Rather, you can have it all at once, but something will give eventually. Something or someone will get short-changed and it will cause serious problems at some point. I think the answer is to prioritize and to practice self-care regularly. And to always remember that relationships are more important than things or achievements. One of my favorite quotes is that no one ever read a resume at a funeral.

*  *  *  *  *

* Patricia Mann is a pen name, but she’s a real woman nonetheless.

About the author – With two decades of success as a communication professor and organizational consultant under her belt, Patricia Mann decided to pursue her lifelong dream of becoming a novelist. Is This All There Is?  is Patricia’s debut women’s fiction novel, and she’s currently hard at work on her second book. The positive reception Patricia has received from readers is something she’s extremely grateful for. When she’s not teaching, consulting, or writing, you’ll find Patricia enjoying family time at her home in California. She and her husband have been happily married for almost 20 years and have two wonderful and active sons who they couldn’t be more proud of.

“Business Lady Posing With An Open Palm” by stockimages and “Mom And Daughter At Sunset” by pat138241, from freedigitalphotos.net.