More 2013 New Years Resolutions
On New Year’s Eve, I wrote a post over at The Lost Daughters called, The Adoptee New Year’s Resolution: Be the Trump Card.
The point of the article was to encourage adoptees to allow themselves to feel, to experience, to reflect upon, all of their emotions, without the burden of worrying what others will think.
Be the Trump Card.
The idea was to let our own adoptee experience settle at the center. No, I don’t mean, let adoption overshadow our entire identity. (I am definitely more than “just” an adult adoptee.) No, I don’t mean forget about everyone and everything else. No, I don’t mean be selfish and inconsiderate.
As I’ve gotten to know more adoptees, I’ve realized how much emotional time, effort and energy they/we expend trying to protect our loved ones. Empathy in this situation can be our greatest strength, but also our greatest weakness.
So then I wanted to ask myself, how will I apply this New Year’s resolution to my life? How will I reconcile my adoptee experience with the thoughts and feelings of my adoptive and first families, who may or may not agree with my opinions? Haven’t I already been going through this process for the last ten+ years of my birth-family-reunion? Isn’t enough enough already?
In some ways, I’m a little bit of a hypocrite. I live thousands of miles away. My interaction with anyone from my side of the family these days is over the phone, through email, and very occasional visits. Can you image phone conversations with two little kids in the background? Not deep, not meaningful; I sometimes spend half the time side-tracking and talking to the children, not the person on the phone!
On top of that, I wrote a memoir about my adoption reunion experience! Ha! I wrote it from 6,000 miles away, and no one could do anything about it! No, that’s not nice. I tried, first-and-foremost, to write a good story, one that would resonate with my audience. I tried not to be vindictive, but I did tell the truth. Well, I spoke my truth. And that is the best anyone can ask for in a memoir, in my opinion. The book wasn’t entirely about adoption, anyway, and I did get feedback from my closest family members (first and adoptive) before publication.
The biggest issue, as far as I can see, for myself, is that I experienced far too much, and reflected upon and resolved far too little.
Add to this the fact that I still have my own personal daily dramas unfolding every day as a part of my Eastern European experiment, not to mention toddler-drama. Soooo, my New Year’s Resolution is going to be to work on (internally and with the help of my adoptee community) myself. This will be my gift to myself, and I hope, by extension, those close to me. I will be my own trump card. I will work my shit out, so that when I get back to America and in closer proximity to my first and adoptive family members, I will be stronger, healthier, more emotionally available, and less damaged.
But I’ll still be type A, perfectionist, prone to a little bit of mania and a fair share of depression. I’ll still be a flawed human being. Oh yeah, and through all of that, I’ll still be adopted.
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What are your New Year’s Resolutions? Share them here!
image from freedigitalphotos.net
I think the process of individuation is hard for many people — balancing the needs of the Self with the expectations of various groups (family, social circles, faith groups, etc). But for adoptees, especially those in open adoptions or in reunion, there are more than one family circles, with intertwining interactions. And lots of expectations competing for the Self!
I salute and support your efforts in 2013. Sometimes moving away is a really good way to then move closer.
(And I see what you did on OpenAdoptionBloggers. Thank you
)
Lori,
You're totally right — there are lot of expectations of the adoptee self — from inside and outside. Expectations, can turn into unmet expectations, which in turn becomes guilt.
I'm so happy that I met you through OpenAdoptionBloggers — your writing is insightful, heartfelt and truly helpful for me. So, it was my pleasure!
Laura
This post reflecting the New Year resolutions will be beneficial for many bloggers. You have come up with a nice read with many interesting facts. Thank you very much for this informative and entertaining post. Cheers.
New Years Resolutions always makes you happy and mostly we spend this time with our friends and family.I get latest update from laustan review about new year and after then we decide to go out side for party.