Happiness or Contentment?

Today’s Time Magazine cover article addresses the American Pursuit of Happiness. Author Patricia Mann’s new novel, Is This All There Is? asks similar questions, specifically for women pursuing family, marriage and career AND trying to be happy.

She and I decided to jump into the debate, wondering what happiness means, asking, Should women look instead for contentment?

Choosing happiness

Laura — I pulled the following quote from your blog:

Happiness does not have to come from having children, it doesn’t have to come from your marriage.

Lyubomirsky, a psychology professor, made a compelling case for the notion that 90% of our happiness is determined by internal factors, factors we have control over, such as our attitudes, reactions to events, and taking part in activities that make us happy. This was a little hard to come to terms with because it forced me to take responsibility for my own happiness in life. I had to admit that it was up to me to choose to think and act in ways that would make me happy.

I think a lot about the difference between contentment and happiness. For me (someone with bipolar manic tendencies), happiness is too elusive a concept, or it requires near manic energy, filled with little sleep but lots of exclamation points–Life is beautiful! Everything is wonderful! I love everyone!

When for me, in reality, contentment is finding all of those tiny little moments when I get an awesome comment on my blog or my toddler gives me a big hug for no reason–and remembering to add them up. For me, the happiness is in the totality of these moments of contentment. How does it work for you these days?

Patricia — First of all, thank you for inviting me to engage in this conversation with you for your blog, Laura. I’m honored and can tell that you and I ponder many of the same deep questions about life.

I’m with you – happiness is too elusive a concept and feels like way too much pressure.

After reading that piece from my own blog again, I realize I was defining things a little too narrowly, based on my own experience. For someone who has bipolar tendencies or who suffers from depression, everything is different, of course. I know what you mean about happiness feeling as if it requires little sleep and lots of exclamation points, a manic energy. A friend who I spent a lot of time with in my teen years was bipolar and I recall the manic stage as well as the depression very clearly. I would be jealous of her extreme energy and joy then at a loss for how to help when she entered the dark times. I didn’t understand what was happening and wish I had access to the information that’s now more readily available.

When I think of happiness, I imagine the high of a new romance, landing a dream job, or a positive pregnancy test (when you wanted it to be positive). The feelings we have during those moments of bliss are not sustainable on a long-term basis. Contentment is a much more realistic goal for most days, at least for me. I feel content at times, happy at times, sad at times, neutral at times, and so many more emotions I couldn’t begin to list them all.

I really like what you said about how happiness can be found in the totality of the moments of contentment we experience. Some of the experiences that help add up to that feeling for me are time spent cuddling before bed with my kids (they may seem too old – 12 and 16 – but we still do it. Hopefully they won’t see this), a great conversation with my husband, teaching a class that really seems to engage my students, going to lunch with my mom, running with my dad, a fun night out with friends, and the feeling that I’ve done something to take care of myself – like making a great healthy meal and eating it slowly.

The grass is always greener …

Laura — As women, I feel that our peers and society put us on this track of–finish college, find a boyfriend, go to grad school, start a career, get married, have kids. … There can be a little of wiggle room (marriage before grad school, etc.) … but the goal is: marriage, family and juggle a career. And you should be happy, actually you should be ecstatic if you “get” to have all three around the same time.

So many of us find that once we do “achieve” something that resembles the “ultimate track,” we’re left with exhausted emptiness. Exactly what the title of your book says: Is this all there is?

Figuring out how to handle this exhausted emptiness of too-full-a-life … definitely a first world problem. True, but it’s one of the main themes of your romantic comedy novel.

Patricia – Wow, you pretty much described my life to a T. I followed exactly that path. There was no wiggle room for me.  I got married three months after completing grad school. I had my first child four years later and my second four years after that. All the while, I worked hard to establish myself as a part-time professor at a university as well as a consultant for numerous organizations. It has been quite exhausting, but yes, all of this was supposed to make me happy.

At some point, all I felt was the “exhausted emptiness” you described. This was the motivation for writing my book. I appreciate your comment that it’s a first world problem and I try to remind myself of that regularly. But I do think everything is relative. I’ve met people who have far less in the way of material possessions and credentials than I do, but seem happier. Not that I’m unhappy, but I do struggle with it at times, being so busy and overcommitted.

I think society puts pressure on contemporary women to do, be, and have it all. And I’ve learned the hard way that it may not be possible, at least not all at the same time. But I also think that many of us put that pressure on ourselves when we don’t always have to. I’m learning that things don’t have to be perfect and that I can ask for help more.

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About Patricia Mann–With two decades of success as a communication professor and organizational consultant under her belt, Patricia Mann decided to pursue her lifelong dream of becoming a novelist. Is This All There Is? is Patricia’s debut women’s fiction novel, and she’s currently hard at work on her second book. The positive reception Patricia has received from readers is something she’s extremely grateful for. When she’s not teaching, consulting, or writing, you’ll find Patricia enjoying family time at her home in California. She and her husband have been happily married for almost 20 years and have two wonderful and active sons who they couldn’t be more proud of.

* Patricia Mann is a pen name, but she’s a real woman nonetheless.

Book cover and image courtesy of Patricia Mann, “House Green” by Idea go from freedigitalphotos.net